* Eclipse (2010)
Holy crap this was one horrible movie. I...I have no words. I'm so ashamed to even admit that I watched it, but I have to vent. There is something seriously flawed with our society if a movie like Eclipse gets eaten up by the millions. And to think, this was the BEST one in the franchise, critically speaking?! It's like going to a restaurant in a new city, eating the most gawdawful bile in the world, and then finding out that joint serves the best food in the entire area. It's depressing.
Where do I start with the film? The dialogue. The acting. The direction. The story. Yeah, it pretty much had none of those elements. You know you're in trouble when the best line in the movie is, "I'm hotter than you." It was the only time during the film when I laughed out loud because the comedy was (I hope to God) intentional. The rest of the time I cringed, I gagged, I suffered.
Fortunately, I didn't watch the first two films so I'll try to write as few words possible recounting the plot - which won't be too hard since it's already absurdly thin. A scorned vampire Victoria (played by Bryce Dallas Howard, who, despite her talents, seems to have a knack for starring in atrociously bad movies), raises an army of vampires to kill vampires who were formerly her vampire friends. Hmm, I think that about sums it up. Oh, yes...and then there was the other 90 minutes where the lead character Bella is struggling to choose between her brooding vampire lover Edward and her maddeningly-shirtless-every-scene werewolf friend Jacob. This doesn't count as plot because the action goes nowhere.
For some reason, unbeknownst to and way beyond me, the other vampires and werewolves stick their necks out to protect Bella from the evil vampires. And that's what makes this so damn perplexing to watch. There is absolutely nothing (NOTHING!) special about Bella. Her most selfless act in the movie was smearing tiny droplets of her blood on trees and leaves to distract the evil vampires from capturing her. "I want to do everything I can to help in this battle," she says solemnly. Really? You couldn't just...die and save us all the trouble? There's a young vampire (spoiler alert) that gets killed in the climactic battle at the end, and I couldn't help but cheer for her because she won't have to star in another Twilight film again.
To all my teenage female readers (comparable, I'm sure, to the Twilight fanbase) - please stop following this trash! I urge you to consider all the other great tormented love stories that are out there. Pride and Prejudice. Wuthering Heights. Dawson's Creek. Anything but Twilight, which I'm starting to suspect was written by manatees floating in a tank.
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